Things and things.

So, you know you have a lot going on in your life when you leave your grandmother's death bed on your birthday to go pick up your new car.

Have you ever felt like, wow, this is probably as bad as it's going to get for awhile and then something else gets piled on top of it? Yeah. My September was like that. First I ended a beautiful but ultimately not-right-for-me relationship the first week of September. It's something that I had been ignoring for awhile because I was so happy when I was with him. He's one of the best matches for my crazy, wonderful self that I've ever come across. So, it's painful to willingly leave something that feels so good and so right because I don't want my heart broken more later. Cutting my losses. Doesn't make it hurt less.

Then, the next week I finally got the time to take my car to the mechanic's. I knew it was not okay, but what I didn't know is that my engine cradle had rusted through completely and my steering column dropped onto whatever is underneath the steering column. So, undrivable. And I knew that if I wanted a car, I would need help. Which I feel guilty about. So, there are money issues as well. And the stress of that just added to the pain of breaking my own heart. I didn't know how I was going to be able to fund a new car and all that shiz. So I was freaking out about that.

And then. I go to pick up my brother on Saturday night to go car shopping and as he's getting in the car he informs me that we aren't going to Tom Woods Ford, we're going back to Lutheran Hospital because grandma is in and it's the end. We drive up and pretty much everybody was there. My parents, all of my aunts and uncles, a couple of my cousins, my pastor, and my grandpa. Grandma is so unsettled and seems in pain. We cycle through quiet watchfulness and familial chatter. Finally, after a couple of hours, it's clear that whatever medicine she's on isn't helping calm her down. Grandpa has decided to bring grandma home to Timbercrest to go into hospice care. So when it's clear that she's coming home, the family leaves. I decide to go home for the evening and drive back to work in the morning. So, Tuesday night I finally get to drive home. Luckily I had already taken Wednesday off because it's my birthday. I haven't gotten the "Grandma's dead" call so she's hanging on.

By Wednesday we've gotten about 6 calls saying "This is the end." but it isn't. About 12:50 or so my dad gets a call. This is the end. He makes a cup of coffee and heads out there. About 1:30 we get the call that she's died. We go out there, and my one uncle has left about an hour ago to take my cousin to the train station. My other uncle was about half an hour away. I was fine until I saw her. The most difficult thing of this whole thing was watching my dad cry. I had never seen anything like it from him. We all hug and cry, cry and hug. I say goodbye to her in my heart and then we have to leave. Dad and I have to go to the bank to sign loan paperwork.

The most stunning moment is when the loan officer asks for Dad's mother's maiden name. There was a little shock through both of us. "Snyder."

Then we have the check and we go to the college to pick up my new car. It's a gorgeous new black 2003 Pontiac Vibe. And I'm totally in love with it. I named it Joyce, after my grandmother. I got to drive it to Huntington to return the rental car. And then we came back and I had to take mom to get her purse at Timbercrest but Uncle Tim had already brought it back to the house so we came back. I decided to stay the night and take the day off on Thursday.

So many good things, and so many tough things.

My mom said it was an honor to have her die on my birthday. But honestly, it doesn't feel like it yet. I know that I'll never forget her or the day she died. But as of now, it just put a lot of emotion on top of me. It's the pinnacle of quite an emotional September.

But things are looking up. A new opportunity at work to do something fun. An awesome new to me car that I really love driving. The chance to be with someone who is completely right for me and not mostly right for me. It can and will get better than the lows. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up. So I'm headed up.