What is this feeling?

Today I was in Kohl's trying on khaki pants and as I was looking in the mirror I had a thought that I hadn't had before. It was this thought.

"I am really unhappy with the way my body looks right now. I want to change it. I think I need to lose weight."

I mean, for awhile now I've been on this "I should get healthier" thing, but like, I've really never felt like I was too heavy. Or too jiggly. I'm a jiggly person, and I have been for awhile. I think it's okay for women to jiggle. It's sexy to have a little bit of softness. Something to bounce, you know? But today when I was looking in the mirror in Kohl's, I was like, "Hmmm. That's unattractive."

So I went to Meijer and bought lots of veggies and fruit and a disgusting salmon thing that was gross. I did the whole cucumber peel and cut up thing. I've already packed my lunch for tomorrow. Then I went and worked out for an hour. So, I'm unhappy, but I feel good about the fact that I can make good choices. Better choices. I can do it.

Here it goes.

Things and things.

So, you know you have a lot going on in your life when you leave your grandmother's death bed on your birthday to go pick up your new car.

Have you ever felt like, wow, this is probably as bad as it's going to get for awhile and then something else gets piled on top of it? Yeah. My September was like that. First I ended a beautiful but ultimately not-right-for-me relationship the first week of September. It's something that I had been ignoring for awhile because I was so happy when I was with him. He's one of the best matches for my crazy, wonderful self that I've ever come across. So, it's painful to willingly leave something that feels so good and so right because I don't want my heart broken more later. Cutting my losses. Doesn't make it hurt less.

Then, the next week I finally got the time to take my car to the mechanic's. I knew it was not okay, but what I didn't know is that my engine cradle had rusted through completely and my steering column dropped onto whatever is underneath the steering column. So, undrivable. And I knew that if I wanted a car, I would need help. Which I feel guilty about. So, there are money issues as well. And the stress of that just added to the pain of breaking my own heart. I didn't know how I was going to be able to fund a new car and all that shiz. So I was freaking out about that.

And then. I go to pick up my brother on Saturday night to go car shopping and as he's getting in the car he informs me that we aren't going to Tom Woods Ford, we're going back to Lutheran Hospital because grandma is in and it's the end. We drive up and pretty much everybody was there. My parents, all of my aunts and uncles, a couple of my cousins, my pastor, and my grandpa. Grandma is so unsettled and seems in pain. We cycle through quiet watchfulness and familial chatter. Finally, after a couple of hours, it's clear that whatever medicine she's on isn't helping calm her down. Grandpa has decided to bring grandma home to Timbercrest to go into hospice care. So when it's clear that she's coming home, the family leaves. I decide to go home for the evening and drive back to work in the morning. So, Tuesday night I finally get to drive home. Luckily I had already taken Wednesday off because it's my birthday. I haven't gotten the "Grandma's dead" call so she's hanging on.

By Wednesday we've gotten about 6 calls saying "This is the end." but it isn't. About 12:50 or so my dad gets a call. This is the end. He makes a cup of coffee and heads out there. About 1:30 we get the call that she's died. We go out there, and my one uncle has left about an hour ago to take my cousin to the train station. My other uncle was about half an hour away. I was fine until I saw her. The most difficult thing of this whole thing was watching my dad cry. I had never seen anything like it from him. We all hug and cry, cry and hug. I say goodbye to her in my heart and then we have to leave. Dad and I have to go to the bank to sign loan paperwork.

The most stunning moment is when the loan officer asks for Dad's mother's maiden name. There was a little shock through both of us. "Snyder."

Then we have the check and we go to the college to pick up my new car. It's a gorgeous new black 2003 Pontiac Vibe. And I'm totally in love with it. I named it Joyce, after my grandmother. I got to drive it to Huntington to return the rental car. And then we came back and I had to take mom to get her purse at Timbercrest but Uncle Tim had already brought it back to the house so we came back. I decided to stay the night and take the day off on Thursday.

So many good things, and so many tough things.

My mom said it was an honor to have her die on my birthday. But honestly, it doesn't feel like it yet. I know that I'll never forget her or the day she died. But as of now, it just put a lot of emotion on top of me. It's the pinnacle of quite an emotional September.

But things are looking up. A new opportunity at work to do something fun. An awesome new to me car that I really love driving. The chance to be with someone who is completely right for me and not mostly right for me. It can and will get better than the lows. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up. So I'm headed up.

My New Favorite

At the risk of being sued:

SELL YOUR STOCK IN CAMPFIRES!!!! I JUST INVENTED BROILER S'MORES!!!


Just kidding. I didn't invent them. The person who originally made the above statement didn't even invent them, I'm pretty sure. Let me check Google.

Aaaaaand no he did not.

I'm sorry. I just lied. I made that up about checking Google. But I happened to have done some non-campfire s'mores making research for my mom in January and recall coming across a lot of people suggesting broilers. But there aren't ovens in most 6th grade classrooms, so I think mom went for a microwave.

That's not even my point. I think I used that beginning to segue into my discussion about how finding new favorite things is a lot of fun. I found my newest obsession while hanging out with a particularly interesting fellow. He introduced me to the idea of taking crescent rolls and smearing the insides with Nutella, then rolling them up and baking them so they end up as a kind of pain au chocolat, but much cheaper and much better.

It's like a cheap version of croissants. KWA-sohnt. And wa-NI-yah. Those are for Amy who is saying these words in her head like this all the time. And she has infected me. And I can't wait for her to move close enough to infect me on a more regular basis. That sounds dirty.

I should go to bed. But I think tomorrow I'll make more Poor Man's Pain au Chocolat. My new favorite.

Mom's Famous Tacos

Well, I was hungry tonight so I made my mom's famous tacos. Well, they're famous to me because I used to eat them as a kid and I loved them! I described them to a friend one time and it was pointed out to me that what I eat is nothing more than a cheeseburger on a tortilla. Which is kinda funny, because I don't really like cheeseburgers.

The tacos consist of ground beef (What do you call a cow with no legs?), shredded cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion and ketchup.

Shocking, I know. Rachel likes bland food and ketchup. But you know, you like what you like. And I like giant tacos that taste strongly of onion and ketchup.


Also, right now I'm watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Awesome!

Saint Patrick's Day Partaaay

So, we had a St. Patrick's Day party here the other day. I went to a couple of stores and got some stuff. One store was the liquor store. One was a grocery store. The other was a store called Deal$.

Yes, Deal$. It used to be called Deal$ Under A Dollar, but now, there are things there that cost $5! Whoa! So I got some door prizes for my roommates and I. I thought my brother might stop by, but he didn't. However, we did give a goodie bag to the pizza delivery man and Alex came over too! We all got prizes!

I won the Doublemint Gum and a green aluminum water bottle.

We have stuff left over that's now in a "party box" including shittons of little plastic crap and some of those bracelets you get when you go to clubs and whatnot. This way, when we want to have another party, we can just get the box out and party it up.

I also got a sombrero for $1. Best purchase of the month.

Anagram Fun OR A Far Gunman

Tom Marvolo Riddle =

Immortal Dove Lord
Ramrod Doll Motive
Doormat Dill Mover
Rad Voldemort Limo
Dammit Drool Lover
Armored Doll Vomit
Dorm Milt Overload
Immoral Veldt Odor
Immortal Odd Lover
Rival Molded Motor
Moral Voldemort Id
Marmot Devil Drool
Dad Lover Milt Room

PS. A Cab Crocheted Helium Loops, A Cab Recollected Hips Ooh Um, A Claustrophobic Leech Dome, A Bleached Couch Metropolis, A Cubical Colored Them Hopes, A Subcompact Heroic Ode Hell, Acceptable Heroic Hoodlums, Impeachable Soccer Holdout, Teachable Piccolos Humored, Alphabetic Coloured Schmoe, Problematical Deuces Hooch, Problematical Douche Echos, Collaborate Choices Humped, 

Craphole Prevention

Well, you can't say I didn't warn you. I even put it in the title. I told you that this could become a craphole. And it's been awhile since I've made a quality post. Last night's visual pun doesn't count. Even though it's a very nice picture of a fence post, it's not a post. This is an attempt.

Right now I'm watching the final moments of a miniseries called Downton Abbey. It's set in England pre-WWI. The clothes are fabulous, the millinery is fabulous. (btw, I spelled millinery right on the first try) They're just getting things like electricity and telephones. And it's full of awesome things like Maggie Smith saying "Stick that in your pipe an smoke it." And it just ended with the line "We are at war with Germany." And that's the end of the whole 7 episode arc. Ugh.

It's like the entire series was a build up to this moment, and while Ellen and Sarah had warned me that not everything got resolved, they didn't tell me that NOTHING WAS RESOLVED. The sad middle sister got fucked over by her vindictive awful older sister who also did not get her happy ending. The only people who got what they wanted were some of the servants. Which is awesome.

Now I'm watching this horrible scifi thing called Lexx. I remember catching some of it super late at night on the old Sci Fi channel and thinking I was hallucinating. It's just so weird. It's like, seriously odd.

Anyway, I think this is all I'm going to say for now. Maybe next time I'll have something more coherent for you.

Here's to hoping.

This is a Post

Photo courtesy of  lazylizzy1

Why RuPaul's Drag Race Has Ruined Me

Okay, so watching this last episode of RuPaul's Drag Race makes me mad. One of my favorite queens, Raja, is getting blasted by my least favorite, Shangela. Shangela's problem is that she has NO sense of humor, or understanding of what drag is about. She's complaining that Raja's Tyra impression wasn't good because she didn't change her body at all, but RuPaul had been talking to Carmen Carerra about her costume and reminded her that she'll be sitting behind a desk, so why pad that ass?

See, this show has ruined me. I suddenly care about how big of an idiot/b-stars some random drag queen is. And oh man do I care. Shangela should go home.

There I said it. And I can't take it back. I don't want to.

Raja forever! And Manila Luzon! I love you too! And Delta Work! All three of you!

Is it weird that I kind of wish I were a man so I could dress up in drag and be fabulous! Maybe I should just be fabulous. I'll be fabulous.

Kids Being Kids

So the other day I was at work, playing outside with the kids when I had the following conversation with a very smart little boy.


J: I gave the dinosaur some chocolate ice cream because he's a meat eater.

Me: So, chocolate ice cream is made out of meat?

J: Yep!


It's so funny because I remember when I used to think like that. Well, meat is brown, chocolate ice cream is brown, so that probably means that chocolate ice cream is made of meat. I think at one point I had an idea for some kind of ice cream cone made out of some kind of food and then fill it with mashed potatoes. It involved some kind of waffle maker, I remember that for sure.

Now I'm making myself hungry for mashed potatoes and meat loaf. OMG I remember. It was a very thin cut steak wrapped around mashed potatoes with like, peas or something in there for color. Mmmmmmmmm. Meat and potatoes.

Random Emotions

So, I'm working for my mom from my NoManch home this morning, planning on heading up to her school to do some secretarial type work this afternoon. Copying papers for ISTEP prep and downtime stuff. The usual. My job for her this morning is to download all the pictures from her phone to the computer, and then upload them all to her newly-created (by me) Flickr account. I didn't see the laptop so I was going to head downstairs, but at the last minute I found it next to the chair and a half upstairs in the living room. This is a nice spot to sit  and do some computer work. Plus it meant I didn't have to carry my toast, banana, and juice downstairs.

The drawback was that my dad was doing a conference-type call in the same room. He'd already asked me to stop the washing machine so there wouldn't be any noise. I knew that that meant I'd have to be near silent. I even tried to chew my sourdough toast as quietly as possible, which seemed difficult as it was particularly toasty toast. So I worked along, church mouse-like in my quietness when suddenly, it happened.

I sneezed.

I buried my mouth and nose in the crook of my elbow to muffle the sound as much as possible. I thought I did a pretty good job. I went on with my work. What seemed like a good while later, my dad turned to me and pantomimed what would have translated into "Don't cough! Don't make sounds!" and for some reason this really hurt my feelings.

I was like "What do you think I've been doing this whole time? Singing showtunes?" I understand that the nature of my dad's work can sometimes be very sensitive, but I've grown up with that. I know that there are sometimes things we talk about at home that don't go any further than the room we're in. I can tell when a conversation is meant to be kept confidential. It's not as though I am going to go out and tell all my friends about my dad's conference call. Well, at least not the content.

Anyway, afterwards I was all like crying and like, upset that he felt like he had to ask me to be quiet. I know! What the heck do you think I was doing?  And he said that if he'd thought about it, he would have asked me to work in a different room. I totally get that, but I just thought that he would understand that I understand what conversations I should actively not pay attention to. It just felt like he was saying he didn't trust me all of a sudden.

Anyway, telling him how I felt at the time and typing this out have helped me get over it. Thank you for listening, internet.

Beer Snob

I think of myself as being very cultured, hip individual. I like things that the cool kids like. I can do all sorts of cool oldey timey things like crochet and embroider. And I like nerdy things like Doctor Who and Harry Potter. I appreciate a good tattoo, and all sorts of music. My food adventurousness is even increasing as evidenced by my recent consumption of crab meat encrusted sea bass with asparagus and field greens. (It was delicious!)

But the one thing I can't bring myself to like is one of the staples of young persondom: beer.

I can be snobby about so many things like science fiction, chocolate, fragrances, shoes, historical accuracy of clothes during movies, jewelery. But I can't be snobby about beer. Because I don't like it. It kinda makes me sad that I can't be like, "Oh man! The IPA from Blah Blah Blah is so good! You should try it!"

I will now confess that one of the reasons I wish I liked beer is boys. I'm pretty much an awesome girl in terms of where my interests intersect with the interests of the kind of boys I like. I really enjoy watching/playing video games. I like nerdy boy movies. I even like attending sports games. One of the few things that boys traditionally like that I don't is beer.

It makes things more complicated in a liquor store. Since I'm also not too fond of most wines, I have to find something that I like to drink that I don't have to mix. I'm pretty terrible at mixing drinks. So I end up with a lot of like, Jack Daniel's Down Home Punch or like, Peach Lambic. Which, I guess technically counts as beer. It's a naturally fermented peach beer, and it's delicious.

Which means I do kind of like beer. I did have a pear cider last night, and that was very good. So maybe I'll be able to work my through the back door into beer snobbery. Here's to hoping!

The Little Things In Life

The other day I was in the grocery store getting some things. And by things I mean chocolate chips. And when I went to check out I found 2 of my favorite things there, just waiting for me. My impulsive nature means that of course they're coming home with me! "What are these mysterious things?" you ask yourself. Well don't ask yourself! Ask me! I was there! I know the answer! And the answer is...

Pepsi Throwback and strawberry gum.

"Ah, but of course" you say in your best nasally French accent. (Well that's how I'd say it anyway.) Who doesn't love Pepsi Throwback and strawberry gum? Idiots! That's who. This is even Orbitz strawberry gum, a kind I've never had before. It smelled a little funny, sort of sharp, like it may have been strawberry mint, which I refuse to enjoy.

Mint Rant: Mint is a freshener. It's used in things like toothpaste and gum to make your breath all fresh and nice for kissing and close talking. It's a gum flavor that is more for other people as opposed to like, fruity gum which is mostly a flavor for you to enjoy in the privacy of your own mouth. Mint should not be mixed with things. Especially things that are already tasty on their own. Things like chocolate and fruit. So to me, that whole, Thin Mint cookie or other bullshit flavors that combine chocolate and mint are guh-ross.

Anyway, I was afraid that this gum was strawberry mint, so I was slightly apprehensive as I unwrapped the first piece and put it in my mouth. Hooray! It's normal strawberry gum! One of the unfortunate ways it's like normal strawberry gum is that the beautiful burst of flavor upon first chew dissipates disappointingly quickly. it lasts less than 3 minutes on average, I'd say. As someone who will chew the same piece of gum for hours on end, this is less than optimal.

It makes me sad that there isn't a good long lasting strawberry gum, but I'm happy that there is a new, more legit brand that sells this delightful confection. I plan on chewing it as often and as long as I can. It's one of my favorite things. Along with girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, brown paper packages tied up with strings, silver-white winters that melt into springs. You know, shiz like that. And Pepsi Throwback. That just tastes yummy. It's perfect. Don't ever change it.

Bake-a-lake

Okay, so I didn't actually bake a lake, but it's a rhyme-y type thing and it sounded good so shut it before I punch you in your mouth.

I'm just cranky because I haven't yet eaten any of my COFFEE CAKE that I baked this morning. Now, why would I bake such a delicious thing and then not eat it? Well, my friends, it is because I am taking it to my Agricultural Team Meeting.

Yes, dear reader. (I am assuming that Amy is still the only one reading this since I have not publicized it elsewhere.) I am a member of the Conner Prairie Agricultural Team.  "But Rachel!" You might be saying to yourself, which is weird because you're talking to me. "You don't know shit about agriculture!"

And to that I say: "You are correct, dear sir and or madam. I do not know shit about agriculture. BUT! I do know shit about teams! And meetings! And I have a desire to learn more about agriculture!"

"But is that enough to be part of the Agricultural Team Meeting?" You would then rebut. (note: spell check says rebut is the correct spelling and that rebutt is not. Interesting.) Which is again, odd, because then I am speaking in your head and the imaginary me is giving the same response as real hypothetical me which is either a coincidence OR psychic on your part. So, go you!

Where was I? Oh yes, well, apparently it IS enough to get me on the Ag Team and I love it! I've been learning about pig ear notching and feeding animals and aaalllllll sorts of things.

But back to my original reason for this, my coffee cake. It is the most wonderfully delicious thing you've ever put in your mouth. I mean, seriously. It's one of my mom's recipes so you know it's good. As I was advised by someone when describing this amazing treat to them as being totally BOSS, I got this reply which made me laugh out loud, so swallow your latte, Amy, or else you'll choke.

"Then I bet it's more than BOSS. It's got to be DISTRICT MANAGER or something higher."

Yeah, I thought so too.

I'm gonna try really hard, guys

So, tonight I went to a Manchester College men's basketball game at Anderson University. I don't go to many college men's basketball games, but I enjoy them when I do. In fact, at almost any sporting event, something happens to me.

I start to care.

I begin to yell things like "Get it, Black!" and "Let's go MC!" and "REBOUND!" I clap when the refs call a good foul on the other team and when we come down with the ball. This happens at almost any sporting event I attend, excepting maybe Pacers games, because when I've been there, we've sat in the nosebleeds and so I know it doesn't make sense for me to yell.

The game tonight was particularly good. Manchester and Anderson are fierce rivals and in the HCAC they were tied in the standings. Anderson won by 2 points in one of the closest games I've ever seen. But we also heard that first place Hanover, who were previously undefeated in the conference got beat by Rose-Hulman. Heh. Nerds.

You may ask yourself, why is Rachel talking about this at all? The answer is that I don't know. I didn't know or care about the HCAC men's basketball standings until tonight, when I went to the game and got sucked in. Do you ever get that way? Do you ever not care about something until you're right there and then BAM it's important? Tell me about it.

Welp...

I hope you're happy Amy. I'm doing this for you.